DRUNK BEAR WAS DRUNK, BUT NOT A BEAR
Seattle, WA -- In a bizarre twist in the drunk bear story reported last week, scientists are reporting that what they have is not a bear after all! Animal experts were alerted to the error, when the "bear" sat up in its cage after sleeping for almost 3 days, yawned loudly and said in a loud voice "Holy Crap!! What a night!! HEY ...you guys got any Ring Dings?"

It turns out that forestry workers had captured an extremely hirsute, foul smelling Rosie O'Donnel who had been camping while on a break from the Broadway Musical she is currently starring in. After a night of heavy drinking she had been passed out in a common area of the campground. "What the hell would I shave for ? I was freakin camping" explained O'Donnel.

"This actually happens more often than the public realises:" explained a visibly embarrassed David Comstock, head of the WA Department of Natural Resources, who was overseeing the care of the captured "bear". "Tell me about it!" laughed Ms. O'donnel from the cage she was being housed in, as she scratched absently at her matted fur which reeked of stale beer. "At least you guys weren't trying to melt my fat to make cosmetic products!" she added, refering to her ordeal last winter in which she fell off a cruise ship while in a drunken stupor, and was "caught" by a Japanese whaling ship off the coast of Norway. She woke up just in time to avoid being dumped into a rendering vat at a Swedish perfume factory.

According to Mr Comstock Ms. O'Donnel will be released back into the wild this weekend at an undisclosed State Park after being given a battery of tests and vaccinations, and being fitted with a radio tracking coller. "The coller may look bulky, but these wild animals quickly adapt and are able to live normally, and the scientific data we get will help us learn how to help Mother Nature keep her creatures safe and happy."

:D --- Monstercow- 08/21/04